Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Is it my overreactive mind that is making all these scenarios seem worse than they actually are? Is this what the average teenager goes through? I feel like I’m suffocating and only rising to breathe at some times. I can’t get out of it, can’t get out of this funk, and it scares me. Why can’t I be happy with the friends I have and the position that I’m in? I’m sick of these two friends because one is so negative and makes me doubt myself and makes me want to cry with her tone. The other is really silent and a bit dramatic with expression and secretive. My best friend is in Cuba and I haven’t seen her a week and not having her at school with me is honestly horrible. Not only that, but I don’t know if things will be the same because she’s going to parties with people and branching off and trying to be ‘popular’ with her boyfriend and new friends. I’ll admit, I’m jealous of her new best friend because I feel so left out and awkward when it’s us three and I feel like eventually the new friend will replace me and then I’ll have no one.
God, I just feel like nothing is working. And I feel like crying constantly and I just want to stay at home and ignore all this, but I can’t. I’m seriously getting worried about myself. I mean, I seem fine when I’m with people and I feel like I should just cry off all this stress, but I can’t. The tears aren’t coming and I don’t know if I want to let them fall, because who knows if I can control myself then. What is up with me? Why am I so upset? Do I need to find new friends or something? I think that it is truly a huge problem because I feel like when I’m at school I have no fun. I mean, first period is okay (it could be better if I was sitting next to my good friends…cough cough to the guy who stole my seat). Second period was good until today where we got a seating arrangement and now I’m not sitting next to my friend. Third period is torture because I’m listening to her negative rants and contradictions to trying to help her with her work even though she specifically asks me to help her. My friend who sits next to me tells me just to ignore her and that we only have 2 years left with her and then we don’t have to worry, but two years is a long time.
Gah and then not to mention I talked to him today, or at least I tried to start a conversation because we’re sitting next to each other in class and he was totally just flat and kind of sarcastic and mean and that really kind of hurt. I mean I knew there was no chance, but I was hoping that he would be more friendly. It kind of shattered my thoughts of him and my dreams of him. Oh god, I was that pathetic, wasn’t I?
I miss him. We knew each other in the span of about 5 hours total and I haven’t talked to him since, but honestly, in the sad part of this is, I think that that was my best relationship. Why? Because I wasn’t nervous to be myself around him. We had an instant spark where he actually tried to talk to me and he was friendly and he didn’t judge me. He was nice, focused on me and didn’t undermine me. I wasn’t afraid to speak about a certain subject like with him right now and my past relationships. We never had nothing to talk about like another one of my relationships, so all in all, that was one of my best nights ever.
I miss being young. I miss being innocent. Truly, as quoted in the The Great Gatsby, the best thing you can hope for is to be a fool (I know that’s not the exact quote, but the meaning is there I think).