Recent happenings

I realize how I really would not have fit at the party that my best friend recently hosted. I mean, looking at the photos that were posted, I feel like if I had been there I wouldn’t have had fun and would’ve been left out. I couldn’t go because I had to celebrate Chinese New Year with my family, but otherwise I would’ve had to go because, well, it is my best friend. 

I found this amazing link on Pinterest showing me how to make an infinity scarf with arm knitting and I’ve made two (one for my mom, one for me) and they’re honestly so good looking and super comfy and warm. I love it and I plan on making one in white because the one I have right now is dark grey. This is the link to the fantastic page. I actually used 10 stitches instead of 12 like her and I think it’s plenty thick enough 🙂 

I also tried sewing last night, but it didn’t really work out well and I really need to learn how to work that machine. It’s a Singer–are those good machines? I also purchased an amazing cute shirt that looks like a jean jacket and a cute, rather summer-y dress for my semi. Both were purchased at Sirens.

I was helping out at the SPCA today and had this new cat in named Sylvester. Ah and he looked exactly like the cartoon! He even had those wisps of hair that stood out at the cheeks like Sylvester. And he was adorably affectionate waiting for his Tweety Bird. And then there were these 3 kittens that were like the Aristocats. There was one that was white, one that was black and another one that was orange and they were all in the same room as each other and as I believe, they were found together. I loved them and they were all so sweet and cuddly. 

Oh and today I also found some salted dark chocolate which is amazing because I’m a sucker for anything that is salted chocolate. I love it. Honestly, my future husband just has to buy me that and I’d be happy.

And because I’ve been eating chocolate I’m feeling like I should exercise. Ugh, I really do need to start exercising otherwise I will one day become fat. 

Is this normal?

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Is it my overreactive mind that is making all these scenarios seem worse than they actually are? Is this what the average teenager goes through? I feel like I’m suffocating and only rising to breathe at some times. I can’t get out of it, can’t get out of this funk, and it scares me. Why can’t I be happy with the friends I have and the position that I’m in? I’m sick of these two friends because one is so negative and makes me doubt myself and makes me want to cry with her tone. The other is really silent and a bit dramatic with expression and secretive. My best friend is in Cuba and I haven’t seen her a week and not having her at school with me is honestly horrible. Not only that, but I don’t know if things will be the same because she’s going to parties with people and branching off and trying to be ‘popular’ with her boyfriend and new friends. I’ll admit, I’m jealous of her new best friend because I feel so left out and awkward when it’s us three and I feel like eventually the new friend will replace me and then I’ll have no one. 

God, I just feel like nothing is working. And I feel like crying constantly and I just want to stay at home and ignore all this, but I can’t. I’m seriously getting worried about myself. I mean, I seem fine when I’m with people and I feel like I should just cry off all this stress, but I can’t. The tears aren’t coming and I don’t know if I want to let them fall, because who knows if I can control myself then. What is up with me? Why am I so upset? Do I need to find new friends or something? I think that it is truly a huge problem because I feel like when I’m at school I have no fun. I mean, first period is okay (it could be better if I was sitting next to my good friends…cough cough to the guy who stole my seat). Second period was good until today where we got a seating arrangement and now I’m not sitting next to my friend. Third period is torture because I’m listening to her negative rants and contradictions to trying to help her with her work even though she specifically asks me to help her. My friend who sits next to me tells me just to ignore her and that we only have 2 years left with her and then we don’t have to worry, but two years is a long time. 

Gah and then not to mention I talked to him today, or at least I tried to start a conversation because we’re sitting next to each other in class and he was totally just flat and kind of sarcastic and mean and that really kind of hurt. I mean I knew there was no chance, but I was hoping that he would be more friendly. It kind of shattered my thoughts of him and my dreams of him. Oh god, I was that pathetic, wasn’t I? 

I miss him. We knew each other in the span of about 5 hours total and I haven’t talked to him since, but honestly, in the sad part of this is, I think that that was my best relationship. Why? Because I wasn’t nervous to be myself around him. We had an instant spark where he actually tried to talk to me and he was friendly and he didn’t judge me. He was nice, focused on me and didn’t undermine me. I wasn’t afraid to speak about a certain subject like with him right now and my past relationships. We never had nothing to talk about like another one of my relationships, so all in all, that was one of my best nights ever. 

I miss being young. I miss being innocent. Truly, as quoted in the The Great Gatsby, the best thing you can hope for is to be a fool (I know that’s not the exact quote, but the meaning is there I think). 

Rants that come with a new semester

So a new semester has started! I expected it to be the semester where everything would change and yet I’m still in that state where I feel lonely and want to break free from my friends. First off, there is my homeroom class where I have two very good friends in it and I expected to be sitting with them and they expected it as well except some guy who knows one of my friends took my spot and now I want to shove him out so that I can actually have some fun in the class. Not that I hate who I sit to right now because they are still lovely people. 

Talked to my principal today. I was actually proposing a project for my environmental club and I was honestly scared shitless to talk to him, but it turned out okay. I hope he remembers me and so does my president of the club so that I can take over the club when she graduates. I have ideas, I really do and I plan on enhancing them when my time comes. For example, I want there to be a cardboard box of bin where people can dump their milk bags so that we can either use them to be made into rugs/blankets for those in Africa or send them to people/groups that collect them to make them into rugs/blankets. I plan on sending an email to all teachers to remind them to close their blinds, turn off their lights, make sure all computers are off and lock the door when they leave their classroom, because that not only helps us in the eco-schools thing, but also helps for general environment. I also like the idea of a compost bin and if it doesn’t get set up this year, I’ll try for next year. Same thing for the trees that we want to plant. 

Anyways, I’m going shopping this weekend and I’m hoping to find some new and cute clothes to wear and possibly a semi dress because I decided to go to it. I felt pretty good because I had several people telling me that I should go.

Chilling information

Well today was eventful in the sense that I sucked up my gut and walked into a veterinary clinic that near the restaurant that I was eating at for lunch (I actually had no clue there was a vet clinic there!) and asked if there were any volunteering positions. Surprise, surprise, there actually was. They didn’t have any available at the moment, but they said to send in my resume and  I just did and I hope I’m not jinxing this so I won’t say anymore.

Now that exams are over and I have a long weekend I can finally start to read again! I have this odd habit/superstition that I can’t read anything before a test or exam because then I won’t be able to remember things properly and I’ll be distracted by wanting to read. And since they’re all over I’ve picked up the long lost books! Amazing. I really have missed reading and I’ve been making excuses for not reading and I really need to stop because books are a portal. A portal that at the most will be $30 or even free if I borrow it from the library. I recently read Venom by Fiona Paul and I have recommend this to everyone. It was a fantastic book that was full of romance, mystery and action. I loved each character and was on my toes guessing who the criminal was (though, of course, no one can write better mystery books and have you guessing than Agatha Christie!).

I was actually discussing this with my mom while washing dishes today and I loved bonding over a great topic such as books and the way we read them. Who can deny that books bring you to different periods of times all over the world. Maybe even in a different world. Perhaps I’m the only one, but I get a shiver down my spine whenever I finish reading an amazing book and it really speaks to me. It’s like once I’ve read the last word, the final closing statement that has concluded the book and close the actual book cover  I get a chill that makes me relish reading. I think it’s because I feel so completed. Take Catcher in the Rye. I closed that book cover and bam! the chill just ran down my spine because I felt like I got a better sense of Holden and I had just gone through this journey with him –saw all his ups and downs– and it’s ending. It’s finished. He’s working on getting better and ah! It’s just a fantastic feeling that I wish I could bottle up in a perfume and spray it on me every day to keep me smiling.

The power of the written word is just that: powerful. I don’t think we even realize how much power it holds over us nowadays. A few simple words or a whole novel of words can inspire a person and put them on a completely separate path that they were on before. You can change someone’s opinion on a subject, feed them information that they can elaborate on something and even inspire them to start a whole company based on an idea sparked by just a few words. It’s honestly crazy. I completely believe in J.K. Rowling’s words that if you don’t like to read then you haven’t found the right book yet.

You know what else inspires people? Music. I feel like music is a huge part of my life that I haven’t really recognized. Music changes my mood, it helps me get into daydream mode and it lifts my spirits. And have you ever noticed the music in movies? It practically makes or breaks the movie and really sets the mood/atmosphere. I’m sure that the one scene wouldn’t be as intense if it wasn’t for the background music that we barely notice. Take in the season finale of Gossip Girl (yes I realize I’m all about Gossip Girl right now, forgive me). Florence Welch’s voice comes out in ‘You’ve Got the Love’ and whenever I listen to it, it gives me chills. And once it ends I feel like I’m waiting for The Pretty Reckless’ Kill Me (is that the song?) to start up and hear Gossip Girl’s mysterious voice finish the awesome ending.

I think I’m going to finish knitting my best friend her headband that I promised her while watching the Avengers and possibly sneaking in chapters of Neal Shusterman’s Unwholly (P.S. you should all check out his first book to the series, Unwind, because it was honestly magnificent).

Sewing my thoughts together

I don’t know at what age you start wearing heels. When is it? 18? 20? 24? If someone knows this, please let me know, because I can’t wait for the time when I can start wearing heels and buy shoes and just basically buy the clothing that I really want to wear. I want to be able to wear dresses almost like daily and not be judged by people surrounding me on why I constantly wear dresses when they’re in jeans or leggings. Really, I do believe that gossip girl has inspired me. I sometimes forget at how beautiful the clothes that they wear are and I wish I could afford or pull off one of the looks that they do. I mean there are dresses that look so unappealing when they’re on the hanger and then the person wears them and voila! It’s been changed to an astonishing dress or outfit that makes me want to wear it (great advertising, huh? But I would never be able to pull of an outfit as well as them).

And thing about confidence that I’ve noticed is that I feel a lot better and more social and all that when I’m wearing an outfit that I like and feel great in. I think that fashion and clothing really has an effect on the way you act. It can really change your mood and everything and I love that about it. It’s just something that I’d love to pursue.

I really need to learn how to sew. I mean, I picked up knitting and now I can knit myself a headband and a bow and scarf, but I want to be able to sew fabric together to make an outfit. It is my plan this year to learn how to sew, yup. That is my new years resolution as of  today because I really want to get my fashion sense and style going, because all I seem to be doing is following the trends of the people around me.

Done exams! I had my last one today and I feel so relaxed now because I’ve got nothing to worry about. I can read whatever I want, draw, knit, do basically whatever without worrying about the next exam. Unfortunately because of the snow day I had my exam today instead of on Monday, which was kind of horrible, but whatever. It’s over and done with and I cannot be happier.

Gossiping on the couch

2/3 exams finished! My last one, which is science, is tomorrow which I should really be studying for, but I have the oddest technique. I can only study at night, the hours right before I go to bed and then once I’m done I have to sleep right away. No reading books, no watching tv, no going on the internet. I might text people for a bit before I turn off the lights, but otherwise I can’t do anything else. Right after my french exam today all I’ve done is go online, tried to write, knit and drawn some pictures while I’ve been watching nonstop episodes of Gossip Girl, season 1.

I’ve got this weird mind where when I think at home it builds up my confidence and then when I get to school and in public I completely forget about my advice to myself. I’m just realizing (well not just that I could be so much more outgoing and all that with people if I just didn’t care. If I didn’t care what people thought of me. But that’s so hard to remember and that’s a huge problem. I mean, I keep reminding myself that I’m most likely never going to encounter these people in high school ever again. There’s a chance, yes, but not extremely likely. God, and I’m being a horrible person because I want to make new friends because some of the friends I have aren’t exactly fun to hang out with. And my best friend has friends and a boyfriend who she hangs out with all the time and she always takes me along with them, but it’s not the same because I don’t know them as well as she does. Then again, it was because of her that I met my other extremely good friend, so maybe that will happen again.

Really times are so stressful right now when they shouldn’t be. Oh, and I really want to get a job. I already have one, but I only work once a week and I’d love to get another one because I’m short on money (kind of). And I want to be busier. I had this one day during the break where I was constantly doing something. There was never any time when I wasn’t doing something and now I understand my best friend. She always has to be doing something. She hates having no plans or not doing anything and she always has to be hanging out with someone or just a packed schedule to say the least. And then that one day I completely realized how she felt. I was at her house actually the day before and I slept over at her house. That packed day I left her house around noon and went hiking in the woods with my mom, brother, aunt and uncle for a while. Got back, ate and drank some tea while discussing books I believe. After we went swimming (great exercising this whole day, yes!) and had dinner after. Baking an apple pie was next up after eating dinner (which, btw, was my favourite kind of fish) and then we watched my favourite movie, Super 8 and went to bed well after midnight. Usually I come home and spend the day doing mindless things. Mostly wasting it on the internet, tumblr and facebook will honestly make me fat and unhealthy. It’s not healthy! And I’d like to stop it and do something useful. I mean, knitting took a bit of the useless out of my hobbies, however I knit in front of the tv, so that kind of backfires.

Oh and since I am watching Gossip Girl while I am writing this I’m getting a huge urge to do fashion. Love fashion and I would totally get into the industry (and the art industry), but I’m not extremely creative and basically, I copy things. Oh another reason for me wanting to get a job. To get enough money to actually shop.

How confusing

Well I’ve started this blog, which I explained in my ‘Me’ page, to document my journeys as I make my way through my teen years. Being in high school there is the huge problem of ‘what do you want to do when you’re older?’. The problem for me is that my answer is always ‘I don’t know’. All my best friends seem to know what they want to pursue after high school. They want to become doctors, surgeons, go into the military etc. and it seems like I’m the only one who doesn’t have a clue.

I love reading and writing and it’s always been a passion of mine. I’d love to publish a book, and perhaps I will one day, but I feel like my ideas and writing is overall, adequate. It’s not a stand-out talent that I have and I can tell because my English teachers don’t ask me to enter contests and whatnot even though they do give me rather high marks on my stories. I guess they don’t see me as that, but they could be wrong about me (I hope).

I love art and drawing, however, just like my writing, my skill in the arts isn’t amazing. It’s nothing that people marvel over and believe that I could succeed well in it. It’s just an average skill that I learned from classes and that I take part of when I’m bored or in the mood to create something.

I love all the arts and culture and stuff, but I also love learning about the world. I like politics and government and I love learning about the hidden secrets in between countries that are unveiled just through talking. I just really love how countries interconnect because it seems like some huge fictional story to me, which is weird because most people wouldn’t see it as that.

And at the end there is my constant love for animals. I love them and I’ve recently started volunteering at the OSPCA in my town. I love being there. It makes me feel important and I love the atmosphere. It reminds me of a hospital actually. I like how everybody wears scrubs and they have key cards to get into the back room which leads to the veterinary spay/neuter clinic where they keep a ton of animals that aren’t ready to be adopted. I’ve been taken to the back rooms to get towels and food and all that for the animals, but I like the atmosphere back there.
Not only that, but I feel so important at the SPCA. I like how I’m relied on to clean up after the animals and introduce them to customers and all of that. And my supervisor, she’s teaching me (taught me I suppose, but it takes a while to remember) how to work the computers so that I can set up adoptions without her having to be in charge of doing it, which is actually a huge responsibility. So I’ve been looking into possibly becoming a vet. I mean, it’s a lot of hard work. I’ve been researching applications and all that and it is so competitive and I’m scared of that. I don’t want it to be so hard! But I suppose if things weren’t hard then you wouldn’t get a sense of accomplishment anyways. My marks aren’t horrible, but they aren’t the best. I want them to be better, but of course I suppose, comparing them to others they’re not too bad. Science, English, Math are the most important and my marks in them so far are above 90 (fingers crossed because I have my exams tomorrow! Ah, hope I didn’t jinx it).

I should actually be studying so I’m going to get off the computer and do that. Yup.